I Went To The Beach That Makes You Old, And All I Got Was Hotter

I went to the beach that makes you old, and all I got was hotter. Honestly. I’m not even sure what everyone was complaining about. All around me, people were yelling things like, “There’s something wrong with this beach!” and, “Someone, please remove this sudden tumor sticking like a baseball out of the side of my neck!” Meanwhile, I just pulled out my phone, flipped the camera around, and admired the distinguished silver-fox hair that now dusts my temples. I thought I was handsome enough when I was in college last week, but now that I’m old, I gotta say… I look good!

Sure, it was kind of weird watching the infants on the beach suddenly stretch like saltwater taffy into full-grown human beings. I’ve never seen anything like that before. I must admit that while I watched these hunks who were six years old a second ago dashing around the beach showing off their muscles and trying out new, deeper voices, well, for a second I almost contemplated my own mortality. But then I took another look at myself in the reflection of a tide pool, and I could not get over the way that I’ve finally lost the last bit of baby-fat from under my chin. Would you look at this new jawline? I could be Clark freakin’ Kent! (Henry Cavill, not Dean Cain).

I did feel a little bad when the middle-aged woman next to me gasped and clawed at…